


Stay Up All Night When You're Not at Home

by betweenthings2



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:34:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23554624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betweenthings2/pseuds/betweenthings2
Summary: A cute getting together fic set in the Marauders' fifth year, featuring a some angst.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 28





	Stay Up All Night When You're Not at Home

Sirius wasn't there. For Remus, nothing felt right if Sirius wasn't there. James was, and so was Peter, but Sirius was a Black even if he didn't want to be and being a Black meant you went home for Christmas. So did being a Potter, but unlike Blacks, Potters could bring friends home from Christmas. So, Remus, Peter and James had all gathered the Potters' house. Usually all four of them stayed at Hogwarts, even Sirius fining a reason to avoid going home for the holidays. This year, however, there was no such luck. Remus liked James's family, he really did, and he was incredibly fond of James and Peter, but without Sirius, he felt strangely empty. You know what they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder.  
"Boys!" Remus was jolted out of his thoughts by Mrs. Potter's voice. "Dinner is ready!"  
"Coming!" James called back from where he was laying on the floor. The three boys, James, Remus, and Peter, clamored down the stairs and were greeted by the delicious smells of Mrs. Potters cooking before she started lecturing them.  
"Now, you'll be going back to school tomorrow, make sure your things are packed tonight…"  
Remus zoned out. Yes, they were going back to Hogwarts the next day but more importantly, Remus would finally get to see Sirius again. The full moon was approaching and Remus handled it much better with Sirius there. Remus heard Mrs. Potter being up Sirius and came right back to the conversation.  
"…such a shame you couldn't bring Sirius with you, James. He knows he's always welcome, right? We love having you boys around-"  
"Yes, Mum," James said, eyeing the food on the table. "Sirius knows he can come anytime. As do the rest of my friends. We should eat before it gets cold."  
The boys took seats at the table along with Mr. and Mrs. Potter. The meal was filled with chatter about school and the like. Remus found it an excellent distraction from the thoughts and feelings swirling through his mind.

The next morning Remus rose with the sun. For the first 11 years of his life, the holidays had not been a happy time for him. But then, he met James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew in the first year Gryffindor dorm. For a while, he was elated to have friends, and that first Christmas when all four boys successful got out of going home for the holidays was the best Remus had ever experienced. But with friends came great worries. What if they found out he was a werewolf? What if they told another student? What if they told a Slytherin? What if Sirius hated him? But once Remus's friends found out and they became animagi Sirius and Remus became even closer. It was around then that Remus developed a crush on Sirius. Sirius with his long hair and sharp, intelligent, grey eyes that rarely missed anything of great importance. Sirius with his posh upbringing and hate for it all. Sirius with his attitude that said 6'4" but actual height of 5'7". Sirius Black.  
Spending so long absorbed in thought, Remus almost missed James and Peter waking up.  
"Oi, mate," James called. "You up?" The three boys had crashed in the Potters' living room after having spent hours talking about everything and nothing. From pranks to pull when they got back- they would all be run by Sirius, of course- to James's massive crush on Lily Evans.  
Several hours after waking in the Potters' living room the boys where making their way through the train station crowed with muggles and wizards attempting to blend in. One at a time, as to not draw attention to themselves, they made their way to Platform 9 3/4.  
"Moony! Prongs! Wormtail!" a loud, excited, and somewhat relived voice called through the noise and bustle of the train station.  
Remus glanced around. There, leaning against a pillar wearing dark muggle clothes and the leather jacket Remus had given him for Christmas, was Sirius Black in all his long haired glory.  
"Padfoot!"  
"Sirius!" The four boys were happily reunited on the platform, from which the Hogwarts Express would soon be departing.  
"Come on," Sirius said, organizing himself, "let's get a compartment and you can tell me all about your Christmas."  
Remus happily obliged, eager to spend time with all of his friends. Soon, they were all settled in a compartment in the middle on the train, ready for the long trip back. The compartment was filled with happy, and loud, chatter. The topics ranged from the holidays, to pranks, to Lily Evans, the unenthused subject of James' attention.  
Eventually, the chatter died down to a quieter tone and as it did, Remus fell asleep. After about another 30 minutes of conversation in a tone that was slightly too loud to be courteous of your sleeping friend, Sirius spoke up.  
"Shit, is he asleep?" Sirius asked, gesturing towards a sleeping Remus.  
"He always falls asleep," James said. Then he added, "I think Peter is asleep, too."  
Moving from the bench seat to the floor beneath the window so he could more easily talk to James without waking one of his sleeping friends, Sirius asked, "So, what's up with Lily? I could have sworn I heard her mention you before you got to the platform this morning."  
"Really?!" James asked, getting excited.  
"I think you're growing on her, mate," Sirius answered.  
"What about you? Got your eye on anyone?" James asked, not wanting to discuss Lily Evans anymore and jinx a good thing.  
"Umm." Sirius blushed a deep red, out of place on his pale face framed by long, black hair.  
"You do!" James crowed, remembering at the last second to be at least somewhat quiet.  
"You swear you won't judge me or tell anyone? Not even our friends?" Sirius' eyes were glued to the floor.  
"I solemnly swear I will keep all your secrets, Padfoot," James said seriously.  
"Moony," Sirius muttered so quickly that James didn't catch it.  
"Who?"  
"Remus," Sirius said again, this time a bit louder.  
"NO WAY!" James yelled. "I knew it!" It was a miracle that Peter and Remus didn’t wake up then and there.  
"This is why I didn’t want to tell you," Sirius groaned. "If you tell anyone, I'll kill you."  
James knew that while Sirius would never kill anyone, his threat was not necessarily empty. James knew all too well Sirius could be ruthless when provoked but was also an amazingly loyal friend. He had the cunning of a Slytherin, but his loyalty and bravery outweighed that for his placement in Gryffindor along with James, Peter, Remus, Lily and many others in their year.  
Soon, the castle of Hogwarts was looming in the distance but quickly growing closer, leaving James and Sirius to wake their slumbering friends. Crouching next to the bench where Remus was sleeping Sirius shook him gently.  
"Hey, Remus, wake up, we're almost there," he said softly. Alas, Remus was a heavy sleeper and hard to wake. Sirius raised his voice, and eventually succeeded in rousing Remus from his sleep.  
The four boys stumbled off the train and to one of the carriages in varying degrees of awareness and embarrassment. Once settled, they conversed very little. Sirius was too caught up in what he had admitted to James, Remus and Peter were not yet fully awake, and James was thinking about what Sirius had told him not only about Lily but about himself as well.  
As it was nearing dinner time, the four boys headed for the Great Hall when they got out of the carriages. By this time, they had all perked up at the notion of food- they were teenaged boys, after all- and had grown considerably louder, though Sirius was still somewhat reserved, still worrying over his confession on the train.  
As they took their seats at the Gryffindor table, Professor Dumbledore welcomed them back to the school and reminded them that classes would resume in about three days, on Monday, than let them dig into the excellent meal that had been produced by the house elves. Remus eagerly dug in, hungry, as they had gotten up too late to have a proper breakfast that morning.

The next morning, a Friday, Sirius Black, who routinely stayed up past 2 AM doing God knows what and slept until noon, rose before the sun. His head was full of dark figures, shadows, bursts of light, and other horrors that had begun to plague his well-loved sleep and his body damp with cold sweat.  
All the other boys, except Remus 'Weird Morning Person' Lupin, were still asleep, most of them having stayed up late with him, including Remus 'Weird Morning Person' Lupin.' So why the hell was he awake? The attempts Sirius made to fall back asleep proved to be useless so he clamored out of bed and blindly changed into his jeans from yesterday and a random t-shirt and of course, the leather jacket Remus had given him for Christmas that his mother threatened to destroy, figuring that he couldn’t smell too bad and if he did, he would take a shower before breakfast. Breakfast was not served until 8 AM on weekends, leaving Sirius with over two hours to kill before anything exciting would happen and no one to bother except for Remus whose bed was made and was probably in the library. Sighing, and cursing the circumstances that woke him before the sun was up, Sirius made his was down the stairs, pausing about halfway down when he heard voices drifting from the common room, tinged with sleepiness and angst.  
"…and I just don’t know." Sirius heard Remus from his perch on the stairs.  
"Tell him," Lily responded, urging something. Now, Sirius knew it was wrong to eavesdrop on private conversations, even when they took place in public place, such as the Gryffindor common room at quarter to six on a Saturday morning. While he knew this all well, Sirius couldn’t help but be intrigued by the conversation below him and felt a bit of shame creep onto the fringes of his busy mind as he crouched there, halfway down the stairs from the fifth year Gryffindor boys dorm.  
"What, tell Sirius?" Remus snorted. Tell me what, Sirius wondered. He did not have to wonder for very long, for Remus continued. "'Hey, Sirius, hope this doesn't make things awkward, but I'm really gay and I kinda like you. Just thought you should know!' That would go over real well."  
"Maybe just come out to him," Lily suggested. "Or talk to your other friends. He and James are super close, right? He might know something. Plus, you never know. Have you ever seen Sirius Black with a girl or known of a relationship he may have had with a girl?" Lily was right about several aspects, Sirius knew. He and James were exceptionally close and James did in fact know 'something.' But it was what she had said about Sirius never having been with any girls that got him thinking. Yes, Sirius Black was attractive with long black hair, sharp, grey eyes, a contagious laugh and smile, and an air of laziness about him that made everything he did seem easy. Despite the fact that he may have been, well, vertically challenged compared to James and Remus, he could have any girl he wanted, even a Slytherin due to his last name that tethered him to a pureblooded family. All that being said, Sirius could not, for the life of him, come up with an instance in which he had been attracted to a girl and he had confessed his crush on Remus to James.  
Below him in the common room, Remus had answered Lily with an honest 'no' and Sirius knew that should he crouch there on the stairs any longer, he would feel more guilty that he already did. Running a hand through his hair that told his secrets of having just rolled out of bed, Sirius began his decent down the rest of the stairs and into the common room. His entrance to the large but still cozy room was nowhere near as graceful as he would have wished, as he tripped on the last step and almost faceplanted into the floor, sending Remus and Lily into a short burst of laughter that successfully broke up the 'angst fest' that had been taking place. Catching his balance, Sirius joined them in laughter.  
"Still not a morning person, I see," Remus attempted to joke, though his face had gone pale, fearing that Sirius had heard the earlier discussion.  
"And I see you are," Sirius shot back, choosing to ignore Remus' reaction to his ungraceful entrance. "Morning, Evans."  
"Hey, Sirius," Lily replied. "I didn’t think we would see you before noon. We were up pretty late."  
"Tell me about it, Sirius grumbled, flopping onto the couch facing Lily, next to Remus. "Anyway, I couldn't sleep. Thought I'd go for a walk or something. What's going on down here?"  
Remus and Lily shared a worried glace. If Sirius Black, who loved sleep more than almost anything, couldn't sleep something was wrong. Eventually Lily spoke some carefully choose words.  
"Not much," she said. "We were studying." And had Sirius not overheard their conversation, he would have believed them, not just because out of the whole of Gryffindor did those two study the most, there were open transfiguration and potions books on the table.  
"Sounds like fun," Sirius said sarcastically, getting off the couch and making his way to the portrait hole and pushing it open.  
"Wait," Remus called, just as Sirius was exiting the room. "Want any company?"  
Sirius shrugged. "If you want," He answered.  
Remus jumped up, bid his goodbyes and 'see you laters' to Lily and exiting the room with Sirius.  
The two boys walked in comfortable silence for a while. It was still dark out when they emerged from the castle about five minutes later, though with the think cloud cover it was likely there would be little difference in the light when the sun rose. For a while they walked along, still shrouded in silence, fingers occasionally brushing as their arms swung. Remus was engrossed in his thoughts of how to deal with the 'Sirius Situation,' as he had come to call it, and Sirius was battling the remnants of his nightmares and the guilt that was threatening to eat him alive for eavesdropping. Eventually the two boys stopped, about a half mile away from the castle and sat in the dead grass under a tall tree on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. The boys continued their silence for a bit longer, and eventually, Sirius ended up laying on his back with his head in Remus' lap. Rather quickly, Remus' fingers found their way to running though and untangling Sirius' long dark hair. He really was beautiful, Remus thought.  
Remus was the first to speak. "What's up, Padfoot?" He asked, using his friend's nickname to bring a lighter air to what would be a serious conversation.  
Sirius was quick to answer. Perhaps a bit too quick. "Nothing. Moony. Why? Are you worried about something?" Remus could feel Sirius tense when he was questioned.  
"You're a really good liar, you know," Remus said glancing down to look his friend in the eyes, a look Sirius was by no means eager to meet. "You can lie to McGonagall, you can lie to your mother, you can lie to your brother, you can even lie to Peter, but I don’t think you'll ever be able to lie to James or to me. Something is wrong, I can tell."  
Sirius looked away quickly and began tearing handfuls of grass up just for something to do. It was true, he was an excellent liar and had succeeded on many occasions to lie to McGonagall, his mother, his brother, and even Peter, knew James Potter would catch any lie Sirius tried to tell him, but didn’t realize that Remus could tell when he lied as well. Sirius Black was stuck with no way out but the truth and he did not fancy telling Remus about everything in his head. Especially the conversation he had overheard. "You win," Sirius said dully.  
Remus half expected Sirius to say more but also was unsurprised when he didn’t continue to share, for it always took time and effort for Sirius to open up to anyone. "I win what?" Remus inquired. "I didn't realize that knowing when your friend was lying and hurting was a competition."  
"You know me, Moony," Sirius joked. "I make everything a competition."  
Remus glared. "Don't joke with me right now. Something is wrong with you. In the entire time I've known you, I think I've seen you get up before 6:30 AM maybe, just maybe, once. Today you were up until 2:30 and awake around 5AM. That’s two and a half hours of sleep, Sirius. And you were weird yesterday."  
"Is a rough night once in a while a giant crisis?" Sirius inquired, fed up with how accurately Remus could read him. Remus with his green eyes that were always bright, even after a particularly hard full moon. Remus with his uncanny ability to read people. Remus who cared about everyone, even the Slytherin Sirius and James had hexed before break. Remus who was a genuinely good and kind person and could never, not even in a million years, deserve the shitty hand he had been dealt so early in life.  
"When it's you," Remus replied. "Look, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don't want to but I worry. I worry about you and Prongs and Wormtail, but mostly you, Padfoot. I swear you can trust me. If there's something you need to talk about, I'm here and I have no intentions of going anywhere soon." Remus glanced down to where Sirius still had his head in the taller boy's lap to see that Sirius' eyes were beginning to fill with tears. Remus had never seen Sirius cry. That did not mean, or course, that Sirius Black did not cry, but for some reason Remus had assumed that Sirius did not cry.  
"It's all so fucked up," Sirius choked out, blinking rapidly, trying his best not to let the tears spill. "You know what I mean? My mother legitimately hates me. So does my father. And one day, Regulas will too because while I might be a Black, he's a Black and it's like they're genetically coded to hate me. It shouldn’t matter because I hate my mother and my father just as much or more than they hate me, but I could never hate Regulas. What parent actually hates and abuses their fifteen year old son?"  
Remus had always known that from the moment that the Sorting Hat had been placed on Sirius' head, he had had family problems but to hear it put that way made Remus suddenly far more aware of the problems his friend faced. And to hear Sirius say fifteen out loud just drove home how young they truly were. And suddenly, he recalled all the times after summer or breaks when Sirius went 'home' that the boy flinched away hugs or had bruises on his upper body when he changed his clothes. All the unexplained scars that littered the shorter boy's arms and hands. How Sirius usually slept without a shirt but not for a month or so after breaks. Sirius never seemed that young nor did Remus ever feel that young. Remus suddenly had a much better idea of how, to put is as Sirius said, 'fucked up it all was.' After a moment of silence to process what Sirius had said, Remus spoke. "That's not all though, is it?" he asked.  
Sirius shook his head, messing the small about of grooming Remus had done with Sirius' hair. This time, Remus thought that Sirius would be unable to gain control of the tears that threatened to spill from his striking grey eyes. "No," Sirius admitted. He hated feeling so defenseless, with all of his 'devil may care' attitude stripped back to reveal his struggled and the reasons why sometimes, the grins Sirius always shared with James did not always reach his eyes and sometimes felt forced. "I can’t sleep," Sirius said, making no move to give an explanation.  
"Why? What happened? When did it start?" Remus questioned. "I swear, I'll-"  
Sirius cut him off. "Hey, hey, don't get mad. They've been bad for a long time, even before I turned 11. They were just worse than usual over Christmas." Sirius said this as though it was a fact of life, the way he and James would get more dentations than any other student. But Remus was suddenly mad at nonchalant Sirius was, how casually he treated the matter.  
"But that's not right. They fuck you up because you're you. We've all known that your family has been bad, but you've never had nightmares about it before," Remus ranted.  
"Moony," Sirius said softly. "Moony, calm down, I'm ok. A little more screwed up, a little beat up, but all in all, I'm ok." Sirius held up his hands, showing the scars that were more numerous every year, but for some reason, Remus had never noticed.  
"Why haven't you told anyone?" Remus had resumed running his fingers through Sirius' hair in an effort to remain calm about the matter.  
"James' parents know. McGonagall knows. James and Peter don't," Sirius said, almost challenging Remus. "I didn’t tell you guys because I don't want to be seen differently. I don't even know how much my fucking brother knows."  
"But you're hurt. You can’t sleep. Sirius, I know you, this is affecting you more than you let on," Remus refused his friend's protests, determined to do something. Anything. "Sirius please, let me help you."  
"Nothing's going to fix this, Remus. I'm not 'fixable,'" Sirius snapped. "My mind is fucked up, my family is fucked up, my entire life is fucked up, Moony. I eavesdropped on your private conversation with Lily this morning, you know." As soon Sirius said that he regretted it.  
"How much did you hear?" Remus sighed. "I'm not mad, I swear."  
"Um, more than you would have liked."  
"The whole, 'I'm really gay and really like you' part?" Remus asked, hesitantly.  
"Yep."  
"Shit," Remus sighed. "Shit, shit, shit, shit. Please don’t let this screw everything up. Don’t hate me. I'm sorry, I-"  
Sirius cut him off. "I'm not even remotely upset. I could never hate you." The dark haired boy sat up and positioned himself so he facing the other, his legs crossed. "Never in a million years could I hate you. You matter. You matter so, so much. I'd never hate you."  
"Why?" Came Remus' quiet question. "Why?"  
"Because you're you, I guess. You've always been there. You're just," Sirius paused for a moment to think but finished with, "you. You're you and I like you. A lot."  
"Why?" Remus asked again. "Why do you like me so much when you could have anyone else? I'm broken or something." Remus had always regarded himself as broken. Between the problems in his head, his 'furry little problem,' as his friends put it, and everything else he seemed to struggle with, he failed to see how anyone, especially Sirius, could ever come to love him.  
"If one of us here is broken, I think it's me, Moony," Sirius said "You're too good to be broken. I swear." Sirius had been slowly inching his way over to be leaning against Remus and by this time had made it there and leaned into the taller boy. "Can I kiss you?" He questioned in the silence that followed his words.  
"On one condition," Remus said. "You swear it won’t be a one-time thing."  
"I'll kiss you at least twice," Sirius replied. "I can't make any promises after that." Sirius smiled, showing off white teeth in the feeble light the sun's attempt to shine through the thick cloud cover produced. Leaving no time for more words, Sirius leaned closer to Remus and softly pressed their lips together.  
For some time after that to boys sat in comfortable silence, sharing body heat in the cold January air, until Sirius spoke up.  
"I'm starving. Think we missed breakfast?" he questioned. While his words said action, his posture said stay in that spot under the tree with Remus Lupin forever.  
"Just by a bit. But you know the house elves, they're always happy to feed us," Remus replied, making moved to get up.  
"Don’t get up, I'm cold," Sirius complained. "And I'm tired. And I don’t want to walk all the way back."  
"You should have let me help you sleep," Remus said, his tone jokingly superior. "Plus, the castle will be warmer and you can lay on me in there."  
"Fine," the other boy muttered, standing up. Remus laughed. Sirius was especially uncoordinated when he was tired.  
And so the two boys walked back up to the grand castle, hand and hand, hair messy despite Remus' best efforts, and in yesterday's dirty clothes. But they were happy, and they were falling in love, joking as they made their way through the dead grass.


End file.
